Performance Reviews

Performance Reviews

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom . . . and started to dig.”

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been,’ but more of a ‘won’t be.’”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee is depriving a village of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far . . . and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

“ A gross ignoramus— 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”


“He’s been working with glue too much.”

“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his IQ reaches fifty, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done with it.”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“If he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get back change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“It’s hard to believe he beat a million other sperm to the egg.”

“One neuron short of a synapse.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, others only gargle.”