Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Performance Reviews

Performance Reviews

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom . . . and started to dig.”

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been,’ but more of a ‘won’t be.’”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee is depriving a village of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far . . . and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

“ A gross ignoramus— 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He’s been working with glue too much.”

“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his IQ reaches fifty, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done with it.”

“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“If he were anymore stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get back change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“It’s hard to believe he beat a million other sperm to the egg.”

“One neuron short of a synapse.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, others only gargle.”

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Adult Humour

Adult Humour

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome young man doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he
responds, "Sure lady."
They no sooner get out of the store when she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have a hot moist pussy."
To which he responds, "You'll have to point it out lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

A man says to wife, "I'm feeling kinky tonight. How about I cum in your ear, baby?"
His wife says, "No way! I might go deaf."
Her husband replies dryly, "I've been cumming in your mouth for twenty years, and you never shut the fuck up ..."

A survey asked women:
"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"

Here are their actual responses...

"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."
"I would write my name in the snow."
"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"
"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."
"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."
"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."
"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."
"I would measure it both ways."
"Pee off of a tall building."
"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."
"I would treat women better with it."
"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."
"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."
"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."
"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."
"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."
"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."
"See how many donuts I could carry with it."
"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Bedroom poop

Bedroom poop
Went out drinking with some of my housemates from uni a few months back, we had a few too many and came back to our halls. One of them went for a shower to try and clear his head, he then walked out 5 minutes later, butt naked, went into his room, passed out on his floor and shit all over it. He then proceeded to roll around in it. A few hours later, he woke up and just left. He went back to his parents house and we havent seen him since. He didnt even clean it up, just left it all over the floor stinking the entire flat out. Which was nice.
Got my own back though, instead of helping him while he was soiling himself, we got the digital camera and took a few shots (which he still dosent know about) :D